By David Magee | Contributor<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sending your child off to college comes with A share of worry. Not only will you miss your child fiercely, you also worry for their safety, and with good reason: Many college-aged students battle mental health disorders, substance misuse and addiction, self-esteem and body image issues, and more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If things seem scarier\u2014a lot<\/em> scarier\u2014than when you went to college, it\u2019s not just your parental perspective. It\u2019s a tough time to be a young person\u2014which is why you need to stay close to your child once the semester starts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Our young people really do face a perfect storm of factors that threaten their wellbeing and even their lives. And despite the many benefits of college, it\u2019s also a hotbed for poor decisions, risky behaviors, and dangerous mistakes. Staying connected during this time gives them the support they desperately need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I share this message because I want other families to avoid the tragedy my family has faced. In 2012, my son Hudson nearly died from a drug overdose at his fraternity house. Thankfully, he made a full recovery. But in 2013, I found the body of my firstborn son, William, after he died from an accidental drug overdose\u2014a story I share in my award-winning book Dear William: A Father\u2019s Memoir of Addiction, Recovery, Love, and Loss<\/em><\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I have since dedicated my life to giving students the tools they need to thrive and find the joy they crave more than anything else. That\u2019s why I founded the William Magee Institute for Student Wellbeing<\/a> at the University of Mississippi,which seeks to understand how best to prevent or break the cycle of unhealthy habits and addictions that plague so many college students, and the William Magee Center for AOD and Wellness Education<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A few ways to keep your children close through \u201cback-to-school\u201d season and beyond:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reach out often. <\/strong>Just because your child is far away doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t still connect regularly. You might schedule weekly phone calls or FaceTime chats to catch up. If your child doesn\u2019t come home on the weekends, try to visit them a couple of times a semester. This is also a great time to assess how your child is doing mentally and emotionally, and to notice if they need extra support. The key is to make sure your child knows that you care and are available to them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If your child isn\u2019t the \u201cphone call\u201d type, a quick text or two every day can still help keep the lines of communication open. Don\u2019t worry if you\u2019re always the instigator! Even if they don\u2019t show it, your child likely appreciates knowing they\u2019re on your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep having the \u201cjoy\u201d talk.<\/strong> They may not realize it, but children, teens, and young people (and all of us!) crave sustainable joy more than anything else. But that joy is often missing for many reasons: substance misuse, overconsumption of social media, lack of meaningful connection and relationships, lack of faith, isolation, anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders. These joy thieves prevent students from discovering what brings them true happiness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Teach (and reinforce) the \u201ctools\u201d for thriving.<\/strong> Finding joy always begins with taking good care of ourselves. (This is the foundation that sets us all up for success.) Students should have a \u201ctoolbox\u201d of habits, practices, and mindsets to help them maintain their mental health, avoid dangerous behavior like substance misuse, and create the wellness they crave. When you talk to your children during the school year, ask if they are using the \u201ctools\u201d that will help them feel their best and thrive. Some of them include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u00b7 Plenty of sleep each night (not once in a while). Remind your child to keep their phone away from their bed to resist the urge to text and scroll.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u00b7 Daily exercise, fresh air, and sunlight. A daily walk or run sends invigorating blood to the brain and body, making us feel more alive and alert while improving our mood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u00b7 Intentional<\/em> social media use. There\u2019s nothing wrong with using social media, but it\u2019s not healthy to be online 24\/7. Monitor stress and anxiety levels (pay attention to feelings of nervousness or inferiority) and know when to take a break or stop altogether. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Ask plenty of open-ended questions. <\/strong>Many teens and young adult children are less than forthcoming with their parents during their high school and college years. I recommend asking open-ended questions to get conversations flowing and find out how your child really feels. Instead of asking, \u201cHow is your week going?\u201d you might say, \u201cWhat were the best and worst parts of your week?\u201d The responses from these kinds of questions cannot only inform, but also surprise and deeply delight you. Finally, open-ended questions are the gateway for your child\u2019s self-discovery. Engaging this way helps them recognize their passions and the direction they would like their life to take. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Listen, listen, listen to your child (and validate their feelings). <\/strong>Communicating doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re always the one doing the talking. It\u2019s equally important to listen. When your child talks to you, listen deeply. Soak up every word and don\u2019t interrupt. When your child has finished, repeat back to them what you heard and ask if you understand them correctly. Give them a chance to clarify. Finally, validate whatever they are feeling. Even if you disagree, your child needs you to see and hear them when they speak their truth. (This doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t share your feelings as well, but do give them a chance to say what\u2019s on their mind and in their heart.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t miss verbal cues that something could be wrong\u2026 <\/strong>All humans, but especially teens and college-aged students, have trouble making blunt statements like, \u201cI need help.\u201d So parents often don\u2019t notice when their children try to say this using different words. I urge parents to listen for verbalized clues that I call \u201cchange talk.\u201d Often this change talk appears something like, \u201cI don\u2019t like my roommates; I want to move out and get a fresh start,\u201d or, \u201cThe professors don\u2019t like me here; I need to try a new school.\u201d In other words, your child may place contextual blame on their problems, which is very common. They may be subtly crying out for help, however, and your conversations with them can help guide them to that recognition. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2026And use the \u201cFive Whys\u201d to get to the root of the problem.<\/strong> If you hear your child using \u201cchange talk,\u201d continue asking the question \u201cwhy?\u201d until you uncover the cause and effect of an underlying problem. For example: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe professors don\u2019t like me here; I need to try a new school.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Question 1<\/em>: Why don\u2019t the professors like you? \u201cThey don\u2019t like that I turn in my work late, but in high school, it didn\u2019t matter.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Question 2<\/em>: Why do you turn in your work late? \u201cBecause I\u2019m tired all the time so it\u2019s taking me longer.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Question 3<\/em>: Why are you tired all the time? \u201cBecause I\u2019m the rush chairman for my fraternity, and I have to take rushees out every night and get them drunk, and I have to drink too much, too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Question 4<\/em>: Why do you have to drink too much with the rushees? \u201cI don\u2019t have to. I plan not to but always end up doing that.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Question 5<\/em>: Why do you end up doing that? \u201cI don\u2019t know. Maybe I have a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Get your child professional help right away if they need it. <\/strong>This rule applies to all levels of help, be it counseling for mental health problems, eating disorders, substance misuse or addiction, or something else. Therapy helps, and the sooner your child begins working with a professional, the better off they will be. The same goes for getting them treatment for serious addiction issues. Forget worrying about making your child \u201clook bad\u201d or ruining their reputation (or yours). Take action now\u2014it could be a matter of life and death. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Your relationships with your children undoubtedly change once they leave your home. What doesn\u2019t change is that they still need your guidance and support. Stay close, and you can feed this need even from afar. And you will rest easier knowing that they are safe, growing into strong young adults, and making good decisions that will serve them well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n About David Magee:<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n David Magee is the best-selling author of Things Have Changed: What Every Parent (and Educator) Should Know About the Student Mental Health and Substance Misuse Crisis <\/em>and Dear William: A Father\u2019s Memoir of Addiction, Recovery, Love, and Loss<\/em>\u2014a Publisher\u2019s Weekly<\/em> bestseller, named a Best Book of the South, and featured on CBS Mornings\u2014and other nonfiction books. A changemaker in student and family mental health and substance misuse, he\u2019s a creator of the William Magee Institute for Student Wellbeing at the University of Mississippi and a frequent K\u201312 and university educational and motivational speaker, helping students and parents find and keep their joy. Learn more at www.daviddmagee.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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